This is posted under the "about" tab, but since it's the heart of me and my blog, I thought it deserved a post all its own.
This blog is my attempt to take off my good girl mask* and show the world who I am. For so long I have tried to be worthy of your approval, hoping to impress you, fearing I may disappoint you. I'm in the process of quitting, quitting this worry-filled, try-hard, have-to-do kind of life. I'd rather have the peace and contentment life. The dumb thing is that for years I have been seeking this peace and contentment life by trying hard to get it, doing all the must-do-things that we're taught make it happen, and then worrying why it wasn't happening.
But you probably wouldn't know that. Because, like I said, I wear this mask to impress you. I like for you to think I have it all together. I'm the good girl who's always gone to church, homeschooled (minus the denim jumper), never did anything scandalous, went to Bible college, married my first boyfriend, served the Lord in far away countries, and naturally birthed my two babies in those countries. I'd like you to think I'm super woman, a great wife, amazing mom, joyfully trekking my family back and forth across the globe doing incredible things for God.
The truth is, the last seven years of marriage, motherhood and this life we've chosen have only showed me that I am nothing of the super woman I always wanted to be. (Insert lots of tears)
But here's what God's been showing me: I DON'T HAVE TO BE! (Exhale big sigh of sweet relief.)
It's a slow awakening. I often fall back into blurry, fitful super woman dreams. But this blog is me taking a step in the journey. Or rather it is about me sitting down on my journey. Because the journey is not about heading towards a goal of becoming someone I hope to be. He wants me to stop trying to acheive this ever allusive goal of being better, and be who I already am. Broken. Redeemed. HIS.
This is me being free. Free to be...Not Yet There. I have not arrived. I'm going to stop trying to fool you into believing I have. This is me being right where I am, in the bosom of my broken, redeemed HIS-ness and sharing that with you.
*The phrase "good girl mask" comes from Emily Freeman's "Grace for the Good Girl."
... ... ...
Can anyone relate to any of this?