Monday, February 27, 2012

I'm Not Enough for This

Guess what! 

Yep, it's true.  We have a little one on the way!        

Announcing Baby #3 feels so very different from announcing 1 and 2.  I suppose that's because my emotions surrounding this pregnancy have been markedly different.  Don't misunderstand, I'm thrilled. Really truly thrilled.  But I'm also experiencing a healthy dose of fear.   

With the first baby, I was filled with dillusions of baby bliss and then sucker punched with the reality of having a human life utterly dependent on clueless me.  With baby #2, I was still dillusional, thinking, "I've done this already, so surely this time will be easier."  Wrong.  It was harder.  So this time around I have no hopes of an easy baby.  I'm expecting reality.  That's where the fear comes in.  Three kids in four and a half years??  Oh, yeah, and throw in the trans-global moves in there too.  Am I nuts?  I fear this will push me beyond the limits of myself, that the waves will overwhelm me, each day a drowning of it own.  How's that for optimistic?     

Pride whispers tauntingly in my ear, “Others have done it. Aren't you as strong as they are?”

I want to shout back, “But I'm NOT AS STRONG AS I NEED TO BE.” I know myself. I know my weakness. I know the fear and the funks that grab hold of me. And I know...I am not enough for this.

When I breathe out that truth I can almost hear the lie deflating.  For so long I've believed the lie that I am able.  It's failed me again and again.  Yet somehow I always pick it up and tuck it back deep inside.  I commit to that which I believe I'm capable of, and when I start to flounder, I chant to myself, "I can do this.  I can do this." 

Perhaps for the first time in my life I know already.  I CANNOT.  I am not enough for this.  To mother these three.  To live out this life of ours. 

"At last, you know" I hear Him breathe into me.  Pause and wait.  And then His truth pours in.

Clinging to the outer skin of my weak flesh, my ableness, I will fall, drowning in the swirling waters, gasping desperately for breaths of peace and contentment.

Clinging to the inner core of my Spirit, the One who resides in me and has already made me complete, already given me everything I need, I will breathe life.  Bear life.  Mother this life.

Only in You, Lord.  Only ever in You.   

In the letting go of my ableness, in this space of brokeness and surrender, I can find the yoke that is easy, the burden that is light.  Mine is hard and heavy.  Why have I clung to mine and resisted this trade? 

There is joy all around.  Gifts, abudant and full, bursting forth in this messed up, gorgeous world.

Gift - that with one simple, beautiful act this life came to be.  Who am I to be deemed with such power?  

Gift - that I am home to one whose days are ordained, whose life is set apart, whose essence is fearfully and wonderfully being knit together by the Knitter's needles. 

Gift - that I heard the music of a newly beating heart.  That I saw tiny hands waving out, "I am here.  I am me.  I am coming.  And I will forever change you."

So, here's my announcement:   I'm pregnant!  A third little life is being bestowed into mine.  I'm an incapable, not-enough mother who is flinging wide the doors of my surrendered heart to welcome this life into joyfilled existence.  Expected arrival: late August.           


1 comment:

  1. Friends of mine were talking some time ago, and they agreed that going from two to three children was not as much work as going from one to two children. (Both of them were grandmothers at the time.)

    Disclaimer: I have just surfed in to your blog - specifically this entry of your blog - so I have no idea what you are all about, what your circumstances are, etc. etc.
    All I wanted to do was to ease your mind some.