Because you see, I'm afraid. And that's kind of the point.
My One Word for 2013 is....Fearless.
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As I told my husband, when I look to the year ahead (which I do often), I have a lot of fears. "Yeah, you do," he chuckled. He knows me well.
Here they are, my fears for the year:
I fear the goodbyes that are to come, the pain of them, of letting go.
I fear the sorting, selling, giving, trashing, cleaning, buying, weighing that goes into fitting our lives
into nine 50 lb suitcases.
I fear how my children will adjust back to China.
I fear how I will adjust back to China.
I fear how long it will take for it to feel like home again.
I fear that my fear will rob me of the joy that could be mine. (Brilliant, I know, fearing fear.)
I fear that this dream that burns in my belly may never become real.
I fear the starting over....again.
I fear that in all of this, I won't be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend that I should be.
I fear that if I claim Fearless as my word, that God is going to call my bluff, and stretch me into
These are but a few of my fears this year.
So how does one become fearless while feeling all fearful?
First, I think I've got to understand what I even mean by "fearless." It's not a grit-your-teeth-and-do-it-even-though-you're-afraid fearless. I've been there and done that, and found that's not fearless at all. I can force myself to do brave things, while inwardly being crippled with worry and anxiety.
I'm talking about knowing deep down and full well the perfect love that casts out fear.
I'm talking about knowing that my worst fears could come true, that something might actually be just as bad or worse than I fear, and ultimately... that would be ok, because God would still be good and God can still make all things good.
And somehow being ok with the very worst scenario brings a peaceful fearlessness. At least, that's what I'm learning. I am SO not yet there. But I'm on this journey.
All my life I've wanted to escape pain and trial and failure. But there is no life without these. And if I spend my life fearing these, I am, in fact, losing my life.
I love that so often in Scripture, when God has something for someone to do, he prefaces it with, "Fear not." And the how? He says that too, "I am WITH you." Always. No matter what. That's perfect love.
That's what calms my bones and quiets my mind.
This year? It could be better than all I ever hoped or dreamed. Or...it could be harder than I ever imagined. But I will walk step by daily step. And because of the perfect love that is mine, I will be...FEARLESS.